How to Help Children Make Successful Transitions

By Andrew Nuzzolilli, Ph.D., BCBA-D, LABA

[This column was published in the West Springfield Republican on March 20, 2025.]

My best friend’s daughter, nearly three, has recently determined that bedtime is dreadful. Her repertoire of bedtime-postponing tactics – skillfully and lovingly countered by her parents – is constantly evolving. She is hungry. She is thirsty. She needs another story. She needs to know where Canada is. Sometimes, fighting exhaustion, she simply exclaims, “I need … something.” 

Even when parents are at their best, these stalemates can go from endearing to frustrating, but especially when it is 12:00 a.m. and they have to work the next day.

As children interact with the world around them, they learn that certain events signal when specific activities are available. You might think about this as a game of “red light, green light” applied to all possible activities in a child’s day. This process continues throughout life.

This is not a passive process that happens to us. Instead, we learn to dance with these signals. Children act in ways to speed up or postpone these signals depending on what they think will happen next. A signal that the future will be worse than now can result in avoidance, temper tantrums, and more creative ways of avoiding what is to come. Bedtime? The perfect time to learn about Canada. The opposite is true. A signal of improvement can lead to quick transitions, cooperation, and joy.

Often, the “worse” event is relative to what is happening now. There is nothing inherently bad about a good night’s sleep, dinner time, or taking a bath. At times, these routines may be improvements from a particularly challenging day; they may even be requested. They are not unpleasant, as a visit to the dentist might be. Instead, judgments of “better” or “worse” are relative, constantly compared to what is currently available. 

For our sleep-averse toddler, the bedtime routine means that soon, playtime will be over. There are limited choices, less high-quality attention while parents sleep, and a long delay until her preferences are available again. Given the same routine after a long car ride or difficult day of preschool, there would probably be little protest or delay. 

With enough time and life experience, this bedtime transition could smooth out on its own. However, that can be a long time to wait. Difficult transitions are the stuff of everyday life, only becoming more complex and difficult as we age. How can we help children learn to navigate difficult transitions with grace? Luckily, research on how to teach this without tears is readily available.

• Praise, encourage, and cherish any small act of cooperation, because it is a monumental task in early childhood to put aside one’s preferences.
• Although routine and structure are necessary parts of life, they can create challenges such as our sleepless toddler. Consider trying a new routine or mixing up an old one. Notice, praise, and model flexibility, just like any other skill.
• Consider sandwiching activities between challenging transitions. Find activities that are slightly less preferred than what was just happening. A common solution in school is to have a small play activity set up after recess to smooth the transition back to quiet learning activities.
• If transitioning away from a specific toy or game is difficult, anticipate that this will continue to be the case until you can practice it together. Set aside time so that you can fully guide them through the loss of access, validate their emotions, and support them with less frustration.
• With a little advanced planning, parents can help their children successfully navigate challenging transitions.

Andrea Nuzzolilli, Ph.D., BCBA-D, LABA, is Clinical Director at the May Center for Adult Services in Western Massachusetts. He can be contacted in West Springfield at 413-734-0300 (ext. 1907) or at anuzzolilli@mayinstitute.org.

About May Institute
May Institute is a nonprofit organization that is a national leader in the field of applied behavior analysis, serving autistic individuals and individuals with other developmental disabilities, brain injury and neurobehavioral disorders, and other special needs. Founded 70 years ago, we provide a wide range of exceptional educational and rehabilitative services across the lifespan. For more information, call 800.778.7601 or visit www.mayinstitute.org.