How Can You Help a Parent Whose Autistic Child is Throwing a Tantrum in Public?

By Jenna Garvey, M.Ed., BCBA, LABA

[This column was published in the West Springfield Republican on February 20, 2025.]
 
We’ve all had the experience of witnessing a child’s temper tantrum at a store, restaurant, or playground. Whether you are a friend, a family member, or just a bystander, it can be a very stressful situation.

What can you do? Read on for tips on how to best support someone struggling through a behavioral episode with a child, as well as special considerations to keep in mind if that child has autism spectrum disorder, or ASD. 

First, it can be helpful to understand why tantrums occur. Board Certified Behavior Analysts, or BCBAs, who work with autistic children look to understand why a behavior is occurring so they can teach more appropriate alternative skills to replace challenging behaviors. Using a behavioral approach, BCBAs try to determine if a child is acting out to gain access to something or someone, in order to escape a task or setting, or to meet a sensory need due to feelings of hunger or physical discomfort. Understanding why a behavior is happening can help us avoid accidentally reinforcing it, which would make it more likely to happen in the future. 

Consider this scenario: A child asks for candy at the store, is told no, then flops to the floor and begins kicking and screaming. If the parent gives in and buys the candy, what has the child just learned? Kicking and screaming is how to get candy. Or, the child hates grocery shopping, throws a loud tantrum, the trip is cut short, and the family leaves the store. Here, the child learns the way to end the trip is to scream and cry. 

If you encounter a child throwing a tantrum and a parent or caregiver letting the child cry, consider the possibility that they may be intentionally withholding the desired item or attention to avoid reinforcing the behavior. Without a doubt, this scene is uncomfortable for all witnesses as it occurs. But experienced parents and caregivers know that avoiding reinforcement can lead to a reduction of tantrums over time. Unfortunately, uninformed onlookers might react with judgment or unhelpful advice. 

Although tantrums are fairly common for all children, they can be more problematic for children with a diagnosis of ASD. These children may be hindered by a limited ability to communicate their wants and needs with words and/or understand the language a caregiver is using to de-escalate the situation. 

In addition, an autistic child may have impaired social skills and may engage in tantrum behavior at an older age than typically developing peers. They may also exhibit more extreme or unusual behavior as part of the outburst. While many of us have helped to support a crying toddler, supporting a 12-year-old who is crying and screaming in public can be a uniquely isolating experience for a parent or caregiver. 

If we, as community members, observe this happening, it’s important to keep in mind the parent is quite aware of the impact of the disruption and is likely working to maintain composure through feelings of frustration or embarrassment. Avoid the inclination to give advice. Instead, give the parent grace and avoid judgment. Offer practical assistance like picking up belongings, holding the door open, or helping the family move to a quieter space. Calmly offer assurance, while avoiding blame or criticism. 

Outbursts in the community can be challenging for any parent to navigate, even more so for a parent of an autistic child. Your compassion and understanding can go a long way towards supporting a parent through a difficult moment. As a community, we should strive toward acceptance and inclusion so autistic children experiencing these moments have the opportunity to learn more effective coping strategies that will enable them to enjoy community outings in the years to come. 
 

Jenna Garvey, M.Ed., BCBA, LABA, is Clinical Director at the May Center School for Autism and Developmental Disabilities in Chicopee. She can be contacted at jgarvey@mayinstitute.org.

About May Institute
May Institute is a nonprofit organization that is a national leader in the field of applied behavior analysis and evidence-based interventions, serving autistic individuals and individuals with other developmental disabilities, brain injury, neurobehavioral disorders, and other special needs. Founded 70 years ago, we provide a wide range of exceptional educational and rehabilitative services across the lifespan. May Institute operates five schools for children and adolescents with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) and other developmental disabilities, including one in Chicopee, Mass. For more information, call 800.778.7601 or visit www.mayinstitute.org.